I’m on my sofa, appreciating the winter sunshine come through the window, shades of yellow and gold, lighting up my living room. The pink 'get well' roses from a dear friend, look gorgeous in the daylight. I’ve sat here for a number of days. It’s usually my favourite place; solitude, warmth, sunshine, and my sofa. But it's not today.
Today is the forth week in a row that being at home, hasn’t been a choice. I’m tired and in pain, and I don’t feel in control of my own body. Especially with simple things; my side hurts when I chop food. I chop food all of the time! Walking hurts, I love walking. And I have no energy.
This is my new normal. For now. It's temporary. And it feels anything but normal.
My thoughts have been running some similar themes:
"Being unwell feels really lonely"
"How dare you complain about something that’s temporary. For some people it isn’t."
You just need to rest and get better."
Then there is me in the middle, feeling sad, frustrated, and out of sync with my own body. Feeling guilty that I can't do more and wondering if i'm somehow responsible.
And here is the truth: I'd become tuned into everything else but the sound of my own body talking to me. Sometimes I forgot to listen. Sometimes I chose not to listen.
All my body has only ever wanted me to put her first, give her some time, let her rest and to heal.
This short term set backs only intention is to make me better.
And so now I am listening, being patient, caring and accepting where I am.
Body, I am ready when you are…
Fear of making the wrong decision