The Space Between Authenticity and Perfection

In November last year I wrote my first blog in a sudden burst of inspiration whilst eating a snack and watching TV. I felt creatively affluent; ideas were flowing seamlessly. I felt excited, connected, emotional and passionate. Drafted, redrafted, edited and complete. Then there it was published and public. 
The 'likes' came, then the shares, then the public and private comments and engagement increased rapidly on my humble Facebook business page. My tango with vulnerability shifted between exposing and rapture consistently.

 After this unexpected and wonderful feedback I felt excited and encouraged. “Catherine I loved it and I cant wait to read more!!”.

---

A week later

I sat down to write my next post. I had nothing. Another week, nothing. Then two more weeks, nothing. Then a month, nothing.

Had I become a member of the one hit wonders, never to be able to write with the flow and the passion as I’d had with my first blog? Maybe it was a fluke, beginners luck. Maybe blogging is not for me, not my forte and I should give up.  I felt defeated, frustrated and a fraud. If I have nothing to write I have nothing to give.

---

In the Shadows of imperfection and authenticity

I’d set a bar for myself. A standard that I felt I had to aim for with every post. If the ideas and flow was not there with the same intensity, I couldn’t write. My readers are going to expect something inspiring, helpful, empowering and insightful from me.  If I cannot give that, then I cannot write. 

I had set myself up to feel like a failure. My readers and clients have found me for the person I am not the blogger I'm learning to be. 

My own expectations and rules left me feeling that I can’t even match myself. I could not match how I felt I should be. I have evidence that I am able to write, having spent many years in my youth writing fiction and songs. But the intensity of  “I’m not good enough” was too strong. I wasn’t even able to gain comfort from the things I’m proud of, right there on hard copy in front of me.

I’ve done it before, yes, but I can't do it again.

---

Time for a more authentic way

So now I have promised myself a different way. Lightening bolts, crescendos and waves of inspiration aren’t always going to fit in nicely with my deadlines, plans, and stories that I want to share with my tribe. And this is ok. 

Sometimes I will have something profound to write, and I’m sure the Crescendos and lightning bolts will return and come more frequently.  As long as I let expectation and perfection know their place; at arms length from me.

And for those times when ‘profound’ and ‘passionate’ aren’t as present as I’d like them, I will continue write from my heart, my most honest place, and meet myself where I am at that moment in time. 

I have remembered that one of the reasons I am so passionate about the work I do is because it was my story and occasionally, still is. I so strongly believe in the acknowledgement and acceptance of the whole of you, in the light and the shadows. Neither my readers nor I need another Shakespeare. They and I just need me to be what I’d love for them most: to be themselves, authentically.

---

Image 1 Image 2