After this unexpected and wonderful feedback I felt excited and encouraged. “Catherine I loved it and I cant wait to read more!!”.
A week later
I sat down to write my next post. I had nothing. Another week, nothing. Then two more weeks, nothing. Then a month, nothing.
Had I become a member of the one hit wonders, never to be able to write with the flow and the passion as I’d had with my first blog? Maybe it was a fluke, beginners luck. Maybe blogging is not for me, not my forte and I should give up. I felt defeated, frustrated and a fraud. If I have nothing to write I have nothing to give.
In the Shadows of imperfection and authenticity
I’d set a bar for myself. A standard that I felt I had to aim for with every post. If the ideas and flow was not there with the same intensity, I couldn’t write. My readers are going to expect something inspiring, helpful, empowering and insightful from me. If I cannot give that, then I cannot write.
I had set myself up to feel like a failure. My readers and clients have found me for the person I am not the blogger I'm learning to be.
My own expectations and rules left me feeling that I can’t even match myself. I could not match how I felt I should be. I have evidence that I am able to write, having spent many years in my youth writing fiction and songs. But the intensity of “I’m not good enough” was too strong. I wasn’t even able to gain comfort from the things I’m proud of, right there on hard copy in front of me.
I’ve done it before, yes, but I can't do it again.
Time for a more authentic way
And for those times when ‘profound’ and ‘passionate’ aren’t as present as I’d like them, I will continue write from my heart, my most honest place, and meet myself where I am at that moment in time.
I have remembered that one of the reasons I am so passionate about the work I do is because it was my story and occasionally, still is. I so strongly believe in the acknowledgement and acceptance of the whole of you, in the light and the shadows. Neither my readers nor I need another Shakespeare. They and I just need me to be what I’d love for them most: to be themselves, authentically.
Fear of making the wrong decision